When I speak do I make any noise???

And the last word in 2007

2008-01-05T00:54:00.000-08:00

Again, a stupid comment from another poster:
I hope you will heal your relationship with your daughter, and your
ex-husband. And work together with him, not fight against what you think he
should be doing, to help your daughter navigate her way to adulthood
successfully, and safely. Best of luck.
My response and final post in 2007:

Well, I'm not fighting my ex for anything, in fact I barely speak to him. Where my daughter is concerned all I have really done with him is let him know the facts of what we have gone through. There has been unity between he and I(during the worst part of things while she was here) until she actually moved down there. That is when things changed and I seem to have become the "outside" party with no rights or reason to be heard. That is unacceptable in any court of law, or in any other way. I know I can't control what goes on there, and I have no desire to, but I can't allow him to shut me out of my daughters life either. And that is what is happening right now. I sent her there, because the only other choice was foster care, and I couldn't do that legally without his consent. I wouldn't want to do that anyway, because it would only further her horrid attitude and behavior being in a non familial environment with people that don't care about her the way we do. I don't like my ex, or his family, by any sense of the word. They are a bunch of negative, phony, maniuplative hillbillies that have made my life a living hell in many ways over the last 20 years. But they are family, and it is "away" from the bad influences that my daughter was around here, that I have been fighting so hard to get her away from. Is he a horrible person, yes. He has never had to be a father, not even when we were together, because he always made sure that he was somewhere else(he'd hang out at his parents and leave me home with the children), and that he never ever dealt with any issues that would require him to take responsiblity and do something physically in the parental or husband role. So now is his time to step up to the plate and be accountable. And my time to sit back and let him. Not without being a part of my daughters life though. That I will not and cannot do. I am not sure where you got that I was putting my daughter out of my life??? That is so far from what I have been doing!! Don't you understand, I have been fighting to keep my daughter in my life, and our home. And it has been the hardest and longest fight of my entire exsistence. And because she has free agency, and is the age she is, and has done what she has done, is likely still doing, I couldn't allow her to remain here with me, or her siblings any longer, or they too would be lost. She is not dead, or dead to me, but I do have to "let her go" for now and make sure that the other children in my home and in my care are ok and can live a life that is free of the type of drama that she has brought into our home, not to mention the dangerous element. I am not sure how you would handle a situation like ours in your own home and I hope you never do, but I think you would likely do much the same things that I have. And as for my feelings, what my condition my heart is in over all this? I am heart broken and heartsick over all of it...but, I understand now(partly due counselling, and partly due to my mother and all the other good advise and support I've gotten) that I can't let it rule my life anymore, because I have other children and a husband that need me. And I need to be able to have a life as well. My daughter, while not in my control, is in the hands of family who love her, despite their failings and lack of brain cells for the most part, and she will have to deal with her behavior and choices there, and not here and I pray she will come out of it a better person and come back to some semblance of of who she was before she went astray, and be able to acheive the goals she had once set for herself in life. It's all I can do now. I love her, I pray for her everyday, and I think of her almost every minute of the day. I cry for her, and miss her horribly........that most of all.....but I know she is where she needs to be right now. I am being the best parent I can for her in letting her go....and that is the worst heartbreak of all. Now, I've got to run and get the rest of the crew here working on the garage with me so we can put away the christmas decorations and get their bedrooms switched and Stacee's things packed up and ready to mail to her....I've been avoiding this for weeks.....now I can do it without crying everytime I go into her room(now her little sisters).

To end the year 2007

2008-01-05T00:47:00.000-08:00

A shorter note:

.......I have since talked things over with both my counselor and my mother......what better help can I get that, besides all of you at CC???!!! I decided that he was just a waste of my time and breath. I have decided to just let my daughter go for the time being, and if she wants to talk to me, she can come to me. Then we will see where we are with things. I have too much to do and too many other people that need me to dwell on her and her drama from afar, anymore. I love her, and I miss her and I pray that she will get her act together and make something useful of her life, but I can't change her, and I won't give her an excuse to bring her drama back into my household again. Not even from 800 miles away. I'll be very busy the rest of this week getting her sister ready for her New Year's eve party. I've got a little cake to make and that is how it should be now. It's going to be hard, but I've got to stay strong and let her take her life lumps where she is and how she chooses from here on out, but love her still the same.

One more in December 2007

2008-01-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, the subject is still the same, but the previous comment was about whether or not we should let our kids have or attend sleep overs to try and prevent problems....here's my response to that:

I have given that alot of thought as well. I am generally a very cautious parent, especially in that area. I wasn't worried about it because the parent I thought I could trust, didn't tell about this guy until it was too late. And some of the time she was visiting, she didn't spend the night at all, just a few hours. Even so, it was not enough to deter this horrible thing from happening, and it isn't the whole problem with our girl either. The other major thing is her choice of friends. And not the one in whose house she met the pervert. We have had to deal with a whole different "friend" and I use that term very loosely here, and her meddling mother. Went so far as to take out a restraining order against them. Never had to serve it though, because by the time we went to, we already had to send our daughter away to her dad to live. A few hours ago ended the Christmas holiday, and with that came the first phone call I have had with my daughter in about 2 weeks. I've called twice before, once a week(it's all I can ever get anyone to answer the phone there). Both times I felt that she didn't really care to hear from me and didn't even give me the curtousy(spelling) to leave to a quiet room where we could talk. I called today, after trying 4 times, and I didn't get anyone to answer then either. Then about 5pm or so, she called. She wasn't expecting me to answer the phone I suppose, because she asked immediately for her siblings and I really had to make her talk to me. She warmed up, I guess, in a minute or two and we had a nice talk about what she was doing in choir, and trying out for a play the city was putting on(her dad insisted that she try out I guess) and what she got for Christmas. She normally would get very detailed and excited about what she got, but it turned out to be more of a "You wouldn't buy them for me, so they got them for me here..." kind of list of things, if you know what I mean? I didn't react the way I think she thought I would, I was pleasant and said, "That's really nice Stacee" and I meant it, but only half heartedly, but she didn't know it. There was the whole, "Thanks for the christmas gifts" in a really fake forced way, because she was really pissed because I didn't give her what I originally had purchased and planned to give her here. Instead I gave it to the family as a joint gift. It was a DDR(Dance Dance Revolution) game, and a race car driving game. Her dad bought her a brand spankin new X-Box360 because she probably told him that she was getting those. Jokes on him......he who is constantly crying poverty and telling my children that he shouldn't have to pay anything else but the child support. And I told him that I wasn't giving her what I planned or what she thought she was getting. I said I didn't think she deserved it after what she had put me through this last 6 months. What I really wanted to do is give her a bunch of that candy "lump of coal" and say, "This is what naughty girls get for Christmas".....but I didn't. But it is what she deserves. We ended our conversation on a sort of pleasant note, but I had to practiacally force an "I love you" out her, like she was gritting her teeth and really didn't want to say it. After all, she did tell me that she doesn't miss me, and she isn't the least bit homesick, since they have been "wining and dining" her the last 4 weeks. That is what they do instead of deal with real issues. You would think that was the end of it right? Not even close..... She asked to speak to her little sister next. She was not out of the room 5 minutes when she came back in, in tears and said that Stacee wanted to talk to me again. I asked why, and she said that she had let her know that she had told her that we had given the laptop computer that she never fully paid for, and that we had taken from her, to her brother. That computer was taken away, and we were asked to hold it for the police in case they were able to press criminal charges on the pervert. They eventually decided that they couldn't and we had in our safe until after she left. She had asked me if she could have it back if the police didn't need it anymore. I didn't really answer her. I told her that she didnt' deserve to have it. She stopped making payments on it as soon as she got involved with this pervert and still owed us about $400 on it. So in effect I repossed it. And that is my right. Apparently my daughter doesn't think so. She started in on me about the laptop and demanded that I either send her the $270 she paid back in July(her one and only payment), or the computer. I said she was getting neither, and she started swearing at me and say it was "Bull***** and that it belongs to her, and I better just send it the H*** there. Again I told her that she doesn't own the computer, and she was never getting it back anyway. I also told her that she was not going to swear at me either. She came back with "The Hell I won't..." and I then simply said, "Well then my dear daughter, this conversation is over," and I hung up. I felt bad that I hung up on her, but I was not about to let her have her little tryaid and treat me like that. She will not bring anymore drama into my home. I was also wondering where the heck her dad was when this was taking place???? She called back about 2 hours later, and talked to only the kids this time who answered the phone. I found out from them that she was using her dad's cell phone, because they don't have long distance. So I was wondering how she got the cell phone. Her sister said that it was really quiet there, so she asked how come and Stacee told her that the parents, my ex and his wife, had gone to bed because they had to get up about 4 am to take off for San Diego(again, leaving her to her own devices) on the truck with a load(he's a long haul trucker). So, either he's just a really big ass and gave her the phone to use at will, or he doesn't even know she called. I don't know. What I do know is that my heart is once again broken and I feel like I have lost my little girl for good now. She will dig her heels in even farther now against me and my husband. The selfish, foolish little girl doesn't realize that she is just hurting the people that love her, and she will be the one that is most hurt in the end. I am comfortable in knowing that I am doing the right things as her mother, and I am not going to back down or let her think that she has some right to talk to me or treat me the way that she does. I am going to call her dad tomorrow night and talk to him about a few things. I'll feel him out for how the phone call thing went today, because Iknow he lies to me all the time, and to his children, who can tell and don't fall for it anymore either. He will most likely make up some reason for not answering the phone, or he will be a snot, because his wife is present. We will see. This afternoon I have an appointment with my counselor. I really need it after this. Christmas was really nice until I talked to my daughter. Isn't that sad?

December 2007...more

2008-01-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

I suggest you go back and read the entire thread my dear, and then see if you have the same "opinion". And as for your mom and grandmother, I think if they were in my shoes, they would do exactly what I have done. Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support(those of you that get it...). I am not to the point yet where I can get through a day without crying about my daughter when I think of things. Perhaps I never will, but I know I've done the right thing with her. And no one will ever convince me otherwise. I have to say this as a parent, and as a former child: No parent can ever be too pushy when it comes to the safety and well being of their child. There are parents that are knit picky, that's different. I am not one of those parents. All I ask of my children in this life, is for them to be kind, respectful, and responsible people, who will be positive and productive and good examples to those around them. That is not too much to ask or expect. And if you think otherwise, then you my friend, need some help. Much of what is happening with our children today, in general, is due to the wrong thinking that we have to respect our childs "freedoms" and let them "find their own way" in the world. I had a court evaluator say that to my face, along with my husband a couple of years ago when my DH's son wanted to come and live with us. His mom is a parent who has the same thinking and as a result my step-son has been flunking in school since 4th grade. He wanted to come and live with his dad because he wanted to do better, and because the schools here are so much better and offer so much more. The guy couldn't have been more wrong in his thinking. It was all his mother needed to hear. She felt validated and has done everything she could to burn that idea in her son's brain too. It finally worked for her, that and the promise to him that he could do anything he pleases at her house and she was ok with it. She drove the point home when she purposely had the friends that we dissaprove of at her house with our son when we went to take some of his things to him. (The biggest druggies in the school there and over all bad kids.) He is there now "Finding his own way in life" and still flunking out. So much so that last week(like we needed more bad news in our house) his mother called to tell us that he has been kicked out of the mainstream high school he was in for failing all his classes and behavior problems(they don't just kick you for bad grades you know). He was starting at an alternative school, which we are all too familiar with as we lived 2 blocks from it when we still lived in that town, and it was pretty dang scary!!! All the worst kids are there. Druggies, gangbangers, and over all bad kids. And this is where our son, who is not bad just stupid, is going to be???!!! This is on his mother's head, but it still hurts our hearts. As for my step-son, he's known all along what he was doing, and lied about it....big surprise, he doesn't want to face his problem either. Difference is that in our home there is accountablity and in his mother's there's not. She gives him the same treatment my ex gives, the ole "Your great just the way you are. Let's just ignore what you've done and it'll be like it never happened." Parents with this kind of attitude only instill ignorance and failure in their children, and as a result, their children end up thinking that they can live their lives being dishonest, and never having to be responsible for their choices. This is incorrect and distructive thinking. And I choose not to be that kind of parent to my children. My saying is this(and you can ask my kids, they will back me up on this): "I am not your friend. I am your parent. I don't care if you like me, in fact I expect that you won't at times. That's ok. I am your parent, not your friend." To those of you who think that pushy parents cause kids to behave badly, I say: Have a child and you will change your thinking. To those of you who found something familiar in my story, I say, thanks for recognizing that you were one of these and are sorry for how you behaved, Now go tell your mother.....she will be happy to hear it. You deserve a great big hug for doing that. Recognition is the first step in change. Thanks again for all the words of support and validation, I really needed to hear that. I can't tell you how this has drained me, physically, and mentally, what I can tell you is that I have peace in my heart, along with a very large hole. That I am afraid can only be mended by my daughter. I hope one day it will.

December 2007

2008-01-05T00:38:00.000-08:00

Again, another response from another person, however misguided it may be:

I have to say, hard situation. I also think that lookaway was juat
providing a comment from the daughters situation and how it may look through the
eyes of a teenager. As a hormonal being they can be, I believe they can be
wilely creatures, having been one and having 3 teens and 1 toddler. I won't pass
any comments on your situation as I am not there and you truly have to be in
ones shoes before making assumptions but lookaway was just responding to a
thread which no doubt has 2 sides. Hard situation and I hope it gets better for
you. Cheers
And my response to that:
"Two sides"?? Well if you want to put that kind of spin on it, ok let's do that: My daughters side is this: "I want to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, wherever I want. No matter how it affects me or my family or anyone else that loves me or is trying to help me become a good well rounded person in this world. AND my parents shouldn't have anything to say about it....or be able to stop me from distroying myself, and my family in the process." (By the way, she actually said most of this to my face.) My side: You know what my side is already. Is that what you meant? I stand by what I have said, and what I have done as her parent. And again, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

2008-01-05T00:33:00.002-08:00

The following words are in response to a post I made about our family situation on a forum I am a member of:
I guess I have a different outlook than some people while reading all this
because I also was the one acting out. I had a complete control freak for a
mother and everything had to be her way or she'd go nuts and lash out at
everyone, to the point of locking me inside the house and beating me with a belt
when I was 18. In between her fits, she was a manic depressive. So maybe that's
why I see some of your daughters side in this too. It seems to me that you got
pissed off that she just wouldn't do what you wanted her to--stop dating this
man, hanging out with people you didnt want her to, etc--I'm sure she wondered
whether you didn't approve because it wasn't your idea. I know that one of my
main issues with my mother ever having something to say about any of my
boyfriends was that she was divorced from a loser--so what made her think that
she had any right to say something to me. And so it sounds like she started to
take it to extremes because you kind of went nuts on her. When she was blatantly
disobeying, you couldnt handle it that she just didnt want to do what you said,
so it was easier to just be rid of her. Then you shipped her off because you
didn't want to deal with her, she got pregnant and came back. She made you mad
again and instead of you sitting down with her and realizing that the way you're
approaching this, the "my way or no way" isnt working, it's pushing her away
more, making her rebel more, you turned the family against her and then you sent
her away again. I know that she rebelled against you, but instead of being there
for her, you're hell-bent and determined to punish-punish-punish until she sees
the error of her ways and begs your forgiveness. I dont foresee that happening.
So now she's at her dad's again--where she got pregnant, from what I understand
from reading--and you don't want a thing to do with her. Totally rid of her, but
you still want to control her every move. Either you want to be rid of her or
you don't. You don't get to ship her off and still play mommy. If you want to
rule her life, then stop shipping her off when you can't handle it. If you want
your ex-husband to deal with her, then let him. It's his house, his way. If you
want her on total lockdown just to make yourself feel better, send her to
military school. I just feel like you're still really pissed with your daughter,
and now with her dad because he's not doing what you say. Sounds like you have
some control issues. If she can have a normal life at her dad's house, let
bygones be bygones and just be happy, then why not give her that chance? When it
becomes a "because I said so" issue, the original point tends to be lost and
loving your daughter becomes second place to "my way because I want it to be."
Just my opinion. I know, Let the flaming begin. Just saying that you might want
to see at least some of this from your daughters point of view. She probably
doesnt feel like anyone really loves her right now because no one has the balls
enough to step in in a just LOVE her instead of trying to send her to another
place when they cant handle it. I think stability would help a lot. Letting her
be her own person, and not a little "you" would help a lot. Respect her and she
might just respect you back.
My answer to this poster was this:
To Lookaway.....apparently you aren't a parent. And I am sorry your mother treated you the way you say she did, but don't judge me that way. You don't know me, you haven't lived my life, nor do you understand what we've been through. You are still looking at things with your "teen-age eyes" if you think it's ok for you to make the statements you have about me and my situation. And obviously you are not a parent yourself, or you are a very young one that hasn't yet gotten to the teen-age stage with your own. What has taken place in our family has been the sole doing of my daughter. I've acted out of fear and concern for my daughter's well being and safety and would do it again in a heartbeat. As for your statement about sending her away because I didn't want to deal with the situation anymore......SHAME ON YOU!! How dare you even suggest that. I've done everything possible to keep her here and get her to change her behavior. The only reason that she is where she is now is because I do have 3 other children in my home who do not deserve to have their lives distroyed by their sister just because she thinks she can do and act anyway she pleases. She's there because I would rather have her there with other family than send her to foster care with strangers. I love my daughter beyond all reason, and that is why I have done what I have as her mother. She will either come to know that in time, or she will be sad for a long time in her life. That is her choice, just as it was while she was still in my home. Things are not "My way or the highway" as you seem to suggest. It's a matter of choice and consequence. Everything we do in life has a consequence, good or bad. If you make bad choices, you will always get negative results for it. If you make good choices, you get good results. It's that simple. My daughter has been taught all her life that she can do anything in this life that she wants, if she deserves it, and if it will be edifying to her life. Meaning, if it's good and worth having. She also knows that she MAY NOT live her life and make bad choices, and use somone else's mistakes as an excuse for her own. We are responsible for our own choices and actions in this life. That goes for you too young lady...*speaking to lookaway* So next time you set out to comment on someone else's parenting skills, you better be prepared for the consequences. Sounds like you could use some counseling of your own.

November 30, 2007 Home again...

2008-01-05T00:33:00.001-08:00

Well I got my 3 kids home finally. What a day! The minute they stepped off the plane they started complaining to me about their dad. Their complaints are not only lagit, but totally warranted. This man will never ever, ever, be able to the right thing.....at least not in this life. For starters, my son informs me that his dad took him aside and said that I had dis-owned my daughter, and that he just wanted him to know that he would never ever do that to one of them, his door would always be open...HUH?????!!!!!! Where the h*** did he come up with that??!!! My son was wise enough to know that what his dad was saying was a crock and he was pissed that he even had the nerve to say it in the first place. Next my 15 year old girl tells me what took place the night before when he was suppose to let the kids talk to their sister and let her know how they felt about what she has been doing with her life, and how it has affected them. I had asked him to let them do this before they left there, as we had not been able to have the "group" counselling session we have an appointment for this week, to do that. The counselor was going to have that take place this week, but as she is not going to be there, they should have had the right to say their peice to her before they left her. That did not happen...GRR!!! Instead he sat them down and said, "Well your mother wanted us to have a family meeting, BUT we are not going to do it the way she wants it." He told them that he didn't want any sort of contention in his house and that if they didn't have something positive to say, then they may not speak. Of course that is just ridiculous!! Of course they don't have anything positive to say to her!!! *Rolls eyes and grits teeth here* His wife kept chiming in with little comments and shut them down whenever they started to brooch the topic of why she was there, and what they felt. He also allowed her to say that if they didn't want to be there, then he and she would rather they didn't bother to come. (Translation: I really don't want you here so it's ok with me if you don't want to come.) My 15 year old pretty much wears her feelings on her face, so when she realized that she was not going to be able to really say anything to her sister, her dad said to her, "Well come on it looks like you have something to say, so just say it." She said she chose not to even try because she knew that she would get shut down. And then there was the bit he had to say about me just being angry to be angry, and I need to just let this thing go with Stacee, and stop dwelling on it...so on and so on... What he is basically saying is that he thinks that we should just "let bygones be bygones", and not speak of anything that she has done or the effects her choices have had on the family ever. That she should just be given a pass on it and nothing else. WHAT A SIMPLTON!!!!! He has already given her a cell phone(the same one he gave them this summer that I sent back). The second she got it she started contacting the Pervert, and likely the "gool friend" that has been helping her see him from here. My son got a hold of the phone the day before they left and the morning they left and showed my ex where she had been texting the Perv, and the messages she had sent inviting him to some chat group she has obviously had enough time to join herself. This would be to facilitate contact with him too. My ex told my son that "oh those are from way back". My son pointed out to him that the messages are dated and the date they were sent and recieved are the days she has had the phone over this weekend. He blew that off too. This was just some of the stupid things that he did. My kids are so pissed at him right now for all this that they just don't know what to do. He was also pressing them for a commitment to come visit on their next winter break in February(I get them for Christmas). They said they are not inclined to go(except the 11 year old that has to until she is 12 in April) due to what took place last night. Now...get this. I called him to let him know they had arrived, and then I asked him about what the kids had said. First he flat out denies that he said to our son that I had disowned our daughter. In fact he denies he even had that conversation at all with him! Then he said that Stacee must have interpreted what I said to her that way. No way she could have, it's not what I said, in anyway. I believe he came up with that and did indeed say it to our son. Why should my son lie about that?? And so there was no mistake I re-explained why it is neccessary for her to be there and not here right now. You know the whole, because I love her and if she won't separate herself from the dangerous elements here, and make right choices, then I must do it for her. Not only for her, but for our other kids, who don't deserve what she has done to them. I said, "it's not fair that she has brought this into our home and made them afraid to be in their own home at night." I also talked to him about the crap that her sister has had to go through and put up with at school because of her. Also not fair. And because she shows that she doesn't care about them, or herself, she has to be away from them. And she needs to be away for her own good. I can't help her, not anymore. I remined him that he had agreed with me before she got there, even up to the day before she got on the plane, so he can't sit there and lie now and act like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Again he tried to convince me that just letting it go is the best course of action for everyone.....what an ASS!!! I told him that doing that doesn't solve the problem, nor does it force our daughter to face what she has done and deal with it. And she needs to deal with it. More over, she needs to realize that her actions have affected more than just her life. And she refuses to do that. He was trying to say, "Don't you think that she feels bad about things?" I came back with "WHAT??!!! Hell no! If she felt bad she wouldn't be there right now!!" The point is that SHE DOESN'T FEEL BAD!! She sees nothing wrong with how she has acted or who she has done it with. And she definately has no regard for anyone else in her family, or anyone else that she has touched with her bad choices, and how it affects them. I mean for goodness sake, she was perfectly willing to let her teacher get into a bad situation and possibly lose her employment, just so she could be with this pervert and "show my mom"...and she was willing to emplicate a perfectly good friend in having her lie for her when she spent a day with him instead of her where she was suppose to be. Sooo, what makes her dad think that she a right to do anything except sit there and let her siblings tell her just how they feel????!!! Then I told him that I knew she had a phone and had been in contact with the perv. Of course he had to come up with some lame story there too, until I let him know that I knew what had been said and to whom, and that our son had told me his whole conversation with him about too. Here's the answer he had for all of it: "Well, if that's what they heard, or that's the translation they got out it, I'm sorry, that's their problem. " In other words, he's trying to say that they lied. WHATEVER!!!! I am soo freakin done with this loser. I love my daughter, but if this is how she sees me, and if this is what things are going to be like now, then I have to just back away for a while and let her go. I have nothing else to say to my ex, except maybe through my attorney which I am sure I will have to get again soon, because he will want to have custody changed and all that.....already sent an abaitment request to the state for paying less support.....loser. Anyway, my poor kids. They didn't deserve this. They are happy to be home and I doubt if they will want anything to do with him for a while. I don't blame them at all. I fear for their sister now that I know that their father has no intention of getting her help or making her accountable......

As of Thanksgiving 2007

2008-01-05T00:31:00.001-08:00

Quote:
If you look there is probably only one set of footprints in the sand. Be strong, LynetteOf that I am quite sure.....thanks. This has been hell for the other kids to be sure, but they will be ok. I will make sure of that. My 15 year old twins(one of each) are pretty well rounded and together kids. Each is involved in their own chosen activities at school, and they have alot of really great friends. Unlike the losers my oldest was calling friend. My 15 year old girl is such a good judge of character that she already pointed out to her bio-dad a girl that my 16 year old had already started hanging out with this weekend, as a problem and a bad influence. I already knew about her from her dad, but it's nice to know that one of my children can pick them out on their own and say it! I'm not sure that he will really do his parental job and steer her away from that, but at least he knows now. My son just finished his second season of water polo, in which he lettered last year. He sat out much of this season as a "cheer leader" because of a back injury(while he was at his dad's doing something that I had forbid-of course- and his dad never told about it), but he is now in swim team season. Something the boys do automatically to stay in shape for spring water polo. He's a great boy, and the girls really like him. Thanks goodness he is semi-oblivious right now to what that means...or at least has the sense not to get all caught up in it right now. He's heavy into playing video games, in particular Halo 3, right now, so he spends alot of time home, or at his two friends homes playing it. I don't have any big complaints about either one of them. My 11 year old girl is a good girl too. She does have some issues that we are "Nipping in the Butt" right now, due to the example of her older sister. Of the talking back in a "snarky" manner variety, and she is starting to go through puberty too. It's one of the main reasons that I knew my oldest couldn't remain in our home right now the way she is. Her little sister adolizes her and unfortunately, emulates her at times. A piss poor example for her to follow, is not what I need right now. Alissa is a delightful little girl to have around when she is not being influenced by my oldest, and I hope that she will grow to be an equally sensible girl like my 15 year old. She's in the school orchestra playing the violin for the second year in a row. She'll be getting her very own violin for Christmas this year, and she'll be so surprised! She's just getting out of the doll stages of her life, but you can still find her toting one around from time to time. I say let her be a little girl for as long as we can, it will be over all too soon. With my oldest now out of the house, each one of the remaining children can have their own rooms now. They are really excited for that! It's going to be the hardest thing to pack up what remains from my oldests room and put it away. Some things I will be mailing to her, like clothes and her Disco ball, etc. But some will just be put away for now. If she wants them sometime down the road, they will be her for her, or she can tell us to throw them out. Up to her. We are also going to follow through with the counseling, even though the big problem in the house is now gone. I think it's very important for all of us. I have instructed my ex to do the same for our daughter down there. That is neccessary and vital to her. I hope that he will do it and not stick his head in the sand and think that his "fanominal"(spelling) parental skills will be enough. He told me yesterday that he is letting her get her drivers license, and a job....*rolls eyes and feels frustrated again* That's rewarding her for her behavior, not showing her that she has done something wrong!!!!! I told him this, and I also said that these should be earned not given just because he doesn't want to address the issues and have her show her true self to him. I also told him that the counseler here said that he needs to have a meeting before the kids come home so they can tell their sister what they think of how she has behaved and just what they have been going through because of her actions and choices. It would also be a chance for him to truly have a confirmation of what I have been telling him has been going on with her. He could see it for himself and know it's true. I don't know if he will do that either. He is such a dud as a man, he won't do anything that makes sense or makes someone else have bad feelings about him. Especially the children. It's not like they don't already think he's a loser in alot of areas, but he doesn't help his daughter if he doesn't sit her down and make her face her demons with him. She learns only that she can be there and have every little thing that she wants and because of that she can think that I am the bad, or oppressing parent that doesn't really care about her. That is his goal too. Always has been. I can't really think of that now, or it will drive me insane. I have to consentrate on my other children and their needs now. My oldest is her dad's problem now and he will have to deal with what he does with her, or doesn't do........welcome to parenthood, even if you don't want to buddy! We head to the airport in about an hour and a half to pick up the 3 kids. I know they will be glad to be home. I have to wonder what my oldest is feeling though today knowing that she is not coming with them. If she feels anything at all.

Update on things at our house

2008-01-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

I can see that it's been a long time since I updated things at our house. We have been to "Hell" and back since then.... We did the court thing and got a permanent restraining order against this pervert...and then my ex called to tell me that our daughter was pregnant! That was on October 2nd. We decided that she was not ready to come home even though she was pregnant and was crying for her "mommy" and wanted to come home. When he sat her down and started to ask her a few questions about the father of the child, she apparently started showing some of the resistance and attitude to him that she did me, and the next thing I know I'm getting a call telling me she will be flying in on that following sunday. GRRR!!! I should have known that he would do that, the big baby!!! What a waste of skin he is as a parent... I paid a visit to the so called friend of hers that she just thinks is the be all end all, when in reality she is the worst kind of person she could possibly be around. Her family are a bunch of messed up, drug using, liberal(to the point of being stupid), and blind to their own daughter using their 9 year old girl as a punching bag, lousy people. Some friends of mine that have known them for about 11 years now have been telling me all kinds of things about them, and none of it good, all of it disturbing and some of it down right scary. Not who I want my daughter hanging around, and certainly it is not who we need while we are going through such a personal and emotional time. I asked this mother and her daughter to please stay away from my daughter and let us handle this as a family, and without any outside interference. They agreed and said that they would comply with my wishes. I should have known that would not be what would happen... As it turns out once we got her home, she was more determined than ever to hook up with this pervert and the family I had asked to stay away were facilitating the contact and even letting them meet at their home. Despite their denying it. At this point our daughter had told the doctor that she figured she was about 6 weeks along. When I asked her when she first had sex with this man she said August 13th. Another lie. Let's see, this brings us up to about October 9th. Everything seemed to be going fairly ok, relatively speaking, for about 2 weeks, we made an appointment for her first doctors visit here(she had her first at her father's with his doctor: the same doctor that delivered her...) which was to be October 31st. She asked if she could go to the homecoming dance(for a "last hurrah") with a group of friends on the 20th. I said ok. She told me that she was going to be meeting up with her friends(not the one that I don't like, which should have been a huge red flag I know.....but hey, I was hoping that she was turning over a new page. Silly me...). The were going to spend the day doing each other's nails, she would go with them while they got their hair done, and then grab some lunch and go back to get ready for the dance. They were suppose to be going to Denny's after the dance, and then to one of the girls houses to watch a movie, and then home by 2:30am. The plan was so distinctfully laid out that I believed her and she even agreed to leave me a phone number and address where she would be so I could call her if I needed to for some reason. I said I would drive her to the friends house so she didn't have to take a bus, I don't really like that idea anyway since all the wierdos ride the bus system anymore. She took off before I could get downstairs to drive her, but left a detailed schedule of events for the day on the kitchen message board, minus the reqested phone number or address. (Am I just the stupidest mother alive or what??) I was immediately suspicous after that. I started looking for the phone number online for the girl she said she was going to be with, and an address. My 15 year old is in the drama club with this girl and told me that she lived near a grocery store in our town, but that was all she knew. I needed to run to town for a couple of things and took her with me. At the store we just happened to run into another friend of my 15 year old that not only knew this other girl, but pointed out the exact house to us while we were there. I went to that house and rang the doorbell. Looking at it now, I know that this girl was home and just didn't want to answer the door, because both family cars were there, but no one answered the door. When I got home, my daughter had called(how coinsidental is that???) and left a message with my 11 year old that she was with this girlfriend and that they were on their way to a neighboring town to get their nails done, and that she was just checking in. (Translation: The girlfriend I had tried to visit must have looked out and saw us and called my daughter where ever she was and told her that I had been there.) I was watching the caller Id and noted that the number was "Blocked" that she had called from. I knew then that she was not with the friend that she said she was going to be with. Since I didn't have any other information to go on, I just had to wait the rest of the day out and see what happened. Low and behold, about 3am she came walking up the street( we live on the outskirts of the city that they don't keep lit very well) in her homecoming dress and a pullover jacket that I recognized immediately as the same one that the pervert had worn to our house the night that we had him served with the restraining order and let him know just what we thought of him. Of course she told me a really outrageous lie about it, even after I plucked a red hair off of it. The pervert has red hair and a red beard. I took it away from her and sent her to bed. The next day we took all the children to church and left during sunday school to do some investigating. First we went to the friend she was suppose to have been with. After first lying about the day, she then started crying and told us the truth. That being that she had not seen our daughter the entire day, but knew full well what the plan was. She told us that she was sorry she lied, and she hoped that our daughter did not continue to act so stupidly. Next we headed up to talk to the other family(the one we previously asked to butt out). We were told again that they had not seen her all day, except for briefly just before the dance to touch up her makeup, and then at Denny's. But this girl said that she was with other friends and that our daughter was with "someone" else but would not say who. Her mother told us that she would talk to her daughter and get the truth out of her and call us, but she never did. That evening, I caught my daughter on her laptop online with not only this girl, but also with the pervert. I ordered her to take the laptop up to our room and leave it on the bed, and told her that she had now forfiet it due to her lack of following the rules, repeatedly. She took it up and put it on the foot of the bed. My husband started to pick it up and then she realized that she had left things open for us to access. She made a grab for it and said she was going to shut it down. I told her to let it go and leave it alone. She refused and started to back up trying to get it back from my husband. He did not let go. She pulled back even harder and stepped backwards into a laundry hamper that I had sat there to take down to do wash. In doing so she fell backwards and brought my husband down with her. He didn't land on her, he caught himself with one hand on the floor, while still holding the laptop with the other. My daughter started beating the crap out of him and screaming at him to get off her and "don't you f-ing ever touch me again..." My husband managed to right himself and get to his feet and also pulled her to her feet too. She ran to her room and I caught her arm and pulled her back into our room and made her sit on a stool. She started holding her middle and acting like she was in pain, and was acting all hysterical. I told her to take a breath, and pull herself together. There was nothing wrong with her except that she was caught in a lie and she didn't want to have to answer for it. After a couple of minutes she did and we informed her about what we knew. She confessed to us that she had infact spent the entire day with this pervert and that he had driven her to his parents house where they spent the better part of the day. They took this friend we don't like to the dance and dropped her off and then they left and went to dinner and then picked her up after the dance was over. He drove them both to her house and then my daughter walked home from there. To say I was livid would be an enormous understatement! I told my daughter that she was not going to be doing any more activities from then on out. She could not be trusted to go to the mailbox let alone anywhere else. She was mad of course, but oh well. I knew she was still hanging out with this girl at school, and saying all kinds of terrible things about us to her and anyone else that she thought would listen to her. This resulted in her 15 year old sister having to put up with alot of crap and in general make it very unpleasant and bad for her at school. My 16 year old just didn't care. She only cares about what she thinks will make her family look bad to others, not realizing that she is only making herself look crazy and troubled to those who matter. Anyway, as it turned out, the day before Halloween, she started what turned out to be, a horrible miscarriage. It started on Monday morning, and by midnight that night she was in full labor and I had her on pads in my room on my own bed. I was there with her until we had no choice but to call 911 and had to take her to the hospital. (I've been through 3 of these, but I don't remember ever having this much blood, as she did.) It was a long and very scary night. Before we left for the hospital she had another wave of pain that sent her to the bathroom floor calling for me. I got there in time to catch the main mass. (Sorry if I gross some of you out here, not my intention, but it is important to the story.) It looked to me to be much larger than what it should have been if she was as far along as she said she was. I noted it and told the doctor at the hospital later. They did an ultra sound and they confirmed that she had miscarried and they also said that her uterus was so enlarged that she must have been carrying twins(if her dates were accurate). I had a feeling that she was much farther along than she was admitting. My hunch was confirmed 4 days later when she developed breast leakage. I figured she was closer to 5 months than the almost 4 she thought(or as she lied about it) she was. I confirmed that with the doctor when I called her. Funny thing was that she asked me later if I had a medical background, because I seemed to know so much about things...Doh, I'm a mom, and I have been around for awhile????!!! Geesh, doesn't take a genius to "do the math" in this situation. Anyway, through the course of this whole terrible month, Pervert was still tapping on her window in the middle of the nights, and she was sneaking to meet him, however, and whenever she could. And once the pregnancy was over, she got much worse. I just didn't think that could happen, but it did. She became much more beligerant, and defiant, and rude. Not just with me, but with my husband, and with the other children in the home. Mainly she was just more and more out of control. She made no bones about telling me to my face that she doesn't have to do anything I say anymore, and that she planned to come and go as she pleases, etc. Her behavior at school with the "bad friends" became more blatent and more intense. The mother that I had asked to butt out was helping her too. I sent them one last e-mail message and told them that I wanted them to butt out, or I would have to take legal action against them. Next thing I know I am getting a call from a deputy who tells me that they had called him out there to show him this message and tell him that I had threatened them. He said he read the note, and informed them that it certainly was NOT a threat, but a request from one parent to another for them to stay out of our business and help us parent our daughter by not interfering in our business with our daughter. He told me that this mother had continuously, during their conversation, made reference to her daughter having a black belt in Karate, over and over, and he took that to be a threat on me and my husband. He said he was calling because he wanted us to know that he was on our side and that he though this lady was just crazy and then he advised US to go the next day and get a restraing order against them. He felt that they most definately posed a danger to us and our daughter, and they had no credibility with the sheriff department in the least. How's that for a confirmation???? Yet another source telling us that we are doing all the right things as parents. As it turns out, my daughter, who I love so dearly, came out and told us, during a confrontation by her sister and brother with me present, that not only was she going to keep doing what she had been doing, but that she had also been playing with drugs and alcohol all this time as well. I was just blown away!!! What???!!! This was the last straw. I told her that I could not allow her to remain in our home as long as she was living the way she is. Not when I have her brother and sisters still here, and she is being such a terrible example and so abusive as she is to us all. She kept saying, "So? Whatever...I don't care..." and that was it. I called her dad the next day, after I had gone to church and met with my bishop, having already talked to her counselor earlier that week, and they had advised me to follow through with the "At Risk Youth" process. This means that she would become a ward of the court and goes into foster care. Not emancipation, like she thought would happen...silly stupid girl. I told her dad that he could either take her to live with him, or she would be going to foster care, but she could not remain in my home any longer this way, not with the children. He agreed that she was out of control and that I have done everything I can for her as her mother, and then some. He also agreed that it's not fair to the other kids to have her remain. I put them all on the plane the day before thanksgiving, but only the 3 are coming back on Sunday. The other kids were happy to know that she was leaving and not returning. And sadly I have to say, the house is peaceful with her gone. It hurts my heart to say it, let alone feel it, however true it is. My fear now is that my ex(the wishy washy man that he is) is being fed alot of crap by my daughter this week and that he will try and start another kind of problem for me. He's been working for years to try and turn the kids against me and convince them that living with him is best. It's crap, and the courts have held him in contempt so many times for his bad behaviors and stupid stunts that he has no credibilty with them at all. But he has been able to hurt me in other ways. In the pocketbook, and that is his true intent. He once said that he would never pay me a dime of money.......and he has been trying to do just that ever since. I fully expect him to try this again...and he may even try to say that if I can't handle my one child, then maybe I shouldn't have the others.....the others' are smarter than he is, and know he will do anything to get out of paying child support, and he doesn't really want them with him. For now, my heart is utter broken, and I feel like the worst failure in the world. I have cried and cried, and I can't even look at my daughters room without feeling my heart break. I don't have a choice, I have to feed her fish(my fish now I guess).... I know that I should feel some relief that this contention is gone from my home, but I don't. All I feel is grief and a sense that I have lost my precious little girl. It's the worst thing I've ever been through. I can only hope that one day my daughter will be able to see all that I have done for her, and have tried to do for her, and she will be able to know that it was for her good, and not because I am the "phyco, and insane" old lady, she had called me. *heading to sleep with a very heavy heart*
document.write

More of the same...

2008-01-05T00:25:00.000-08:00

First of all my daughter is only with her dad for a few weeks, not permenantly. Also, I have primary custody of my children. So of course I have say so in what she does there. Her father agrees, and we are working together to do what is best for her at this time. There is a long family history when I was married to him, of his parents trying to control and manipulate things in our household. It's a big part of the reason we got divorced. That and the fact that his father physically assulted me in front of two of my children, and my husband(the ex) told me that I deserved it. That was the end of our marriage. My DD was 8 years old at that time. Grandmother called me every name in the book, and tried to help my ex have me claimed unfit in the courts during our divorce. That was 8 years and an entire lifetime ago. She continues to manipulate my children everytime they go there. Subtley, but surely. They are now old enough to know what she is doing, and don't fall for it. Good for me. Saves me alot more headaches that I am more than happy to be rid of. It is also why she and I don't talk much now either. Secondly, it is a sort of "cooling off" period for us, mainly for the family here to cool off, she could care less about our feelings right now. Her father and I agree that her being down there is for one purpose only. For her to have a realization of what she has been doing, and to change her ways. We are deeply religious, and he has made sure right off the bat, that she is involved with as many church related functions as are available. Being LDS, this means release time Seminary, Young Womens on weekdays, and regular church on sundays. We lived there for 10 years before our divorce, and there are a great many people that she remembers, and families that I admire, that she has become reaquainted with this week. I am exstatic about that. The lesson in this becomes thus: Compare the difference between the kids that you are hangning out with there that are members of the church, and non-members that are making good choices, and the ones that you have chosen to call "friend" here. If you can see the difference, and recognize how much better you feel, when you surround yourself with the right friends, ones that make you feel good about being you, and make you want to be a better person; then you are on the track to change in your life. This one lesson that we as parents have challenged her to this week. I wait to see what she comes up with. I prescribe to the wise adege(spelling) that says: " I am your parent, not your friend. You may not like me. In fact I expect that you won't some of the time. That's ok, so long as you know that I am the parent and not your friend. " I think that alot of parents today have forgotten that wise advise. My step son is a prime example of that. His mom has told us more than once, that she wants to be her childrens friend because she doesn't want them to not like her. She is willing to let them do whateve makes them happy, so they will "like" her. Even if it's not safe or good for them. It's that kind of parenting that breeds failure in our children, and chaos in our society. Boundriless(is that a word?), self important, individuals that think they are entitled to things just for being born. You have only to take a walk around your local highschool to see what I am talking about. It makes me so mad. As far as my being to "in your face" with my DD. Well, if you ask my husband, I'm not "in your face" enough. I have given this girl dozens of "chances", and oppertunity to make better choices. I've let her "go with friends" to the mall, and each time she has done something to break the rules, and defy my wishes. All the while telling her friends how terrible she has it at home and how much she hates her family. I've taken her to the movies(her and I and sometimes with the other girls), and I've let her have sleepovers with friends here. Even with ones I don't like much. This with the notion of showing that I was trying to give her the chance to prove she is trustworthy again. Heck, the last two weeks before I sent her to Idaho, I was driving her butt around picking up and then dropping off, job applications, thinking that she was really going to start being responsible and do better. I found out that she was only doing this because she was looking to be emancipated and had done alittle "homework" and found that one of the stipulations are that she be employed and able to provide for herself and pay her bills. Once she announced that, I quit. And she was thinking that she would be moving in with this guy on top of that! She's had everything she asked for this summer and then some, when she was good, and making reasonable choices. When she hasn't, she has been grounded. No different that anyone else in the household. I have been a parent over all. Reasoning with a willfull child who has been manipulated by someone to think that her family hates her and don't understand her...is nearly impossible to do. Trust me we have tried it all. What is happening now, was the only choice left. As much for her as for the rest of us. I think she will come around in time, hopefully she will come back with a better appreciation for what she really does have here. I know that some of the people that she has befriended that really do have bad situations at home, or who have created one themselves, would jump at the chance to have the home and family that she has. I feel like I am back on the ranch with the herdof hard-headed cows that always seem to have to poke their greedy heads into the yard to get at the grass when they have a whole beautiful pasture to feed on. "The grass is always greener on the other side"....so pointless and annoying. I am praying, and so is my ex, that she comes around sooner rather than later, and we think she will. It won't be easy, but then nothing worthwhile or good for us is usually. Things weren't designed that way for a reason. It's the most difficult thing in the world to sit back and watch your child self-distruct. And we've had the horror of watching it twice this year now. Hopefully we have caught things soon enough to make a change for the better. We were up till 3am this morning preparing for court, and got up at 6:15am. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now nearly 7pm. I am exhausted, sick from lack of sleep, and lack of appetite. We found when we got to court that the papers had not been served because the sheriffs office had their collective heads up their butts this last week. The judge was not happy, and issued me a "re-issue order" to be served. She also granted me a fee waiver for service. We took it up to the sheriffs office and I didn't leave this time until I knew they had all the right information for service. NO EXCUSES. He should get served either today or tomorrow. We go back to court October 1st. I am soooo ready to do that. I'll be glad to get all this over with. Perhaps I will finally be able to rest then. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers, and helpful advise. All is much appreciated and very much needed right now. I'll keep you posted of our progress. Well, time to go and feed the family that are still here. BBQ awaits!!
document.

From the beginning....

2008-01-05T00:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been gone for a while, not able or just plain had no desire to log on. There have been a few days that it was just too much effort to even smile. Those of you with teen-agers will totally relate to that feeling at one time or another, however, this time it is more than I ever thought I would be dealing with in my life, and I hope you all don't mind my venting here. I feel that if I don't get it out, I may just snap and really lose my mind.... Here is the story behind my frustrating last few weeks. You all may or may not have seen my earlier posts about my step-son, who picked a fight with his dad on Father's Day in order to get sent back to his mom's so he didn't have to do any real school work here. Well this tops that story. How can that be you may be asking yourselves, well I have a daugther the same age as he, another mush brained, hormonal, teenager. She has changed, for she used to be a sweet and thoughtful girl, who I could always count on to make the right choices. She still is about certain things. But things have taken a wrong turn this summer, in a very big way. While we were busy being frustrated with our step-son's behavior and all that it encumpassed(spelling), there was something going on with our daughter that is taking us to court on Monday. Our daughter has been friends with a girl whose family has been going through a nasty divorce for the last 4 years. You know the type, the wife hates the husband and wants to punish him so she does everything she can to make him miserable and drags the children into her pettiness towards him. And the husband retaliates by doing more of the same stupid behavior that got him kicked out of the house in the first place, and then some more. Both of them using the kids as pawns against the other and therefore ruining them all. Still with me so far?? Suffice it to say that my daughter and their daughter became friends before I knew what was going on with the parents, well at least before I knew as much as I do now anyway. Our daughter was doing the usual sleep overs with her friend about twice a month, with me picking her up at the end of the weekend. Once at the beginning of June this summer, I went to get her and while I was sitting in the livingroom waiting for her to gather her things, I noticed a man(who I later found out is 22 and no relation to the father of my daughters friend)sitting in the darkened diningroom typing away on the PC in the corner. He was introduced to me by the father in the house as a friend who was just visiting. I didn't think anything of it at the time. A few weeks later, after school let out for the year(June 27 was the last day) I got a strange phone call from my daughters friend. She was asking me if I had any problems with my daughter hanging out with her at her fathers house with this man there. I asked why and she went on to say that her other friend had been banned from the house because he was there. When I asked why she would not say. I asked further, "is there anything that you aren't telling me that I should know?" and she quickly said no and ended the conversation. This left me with a nagging feeling, but nothing that I could really pin down. After that my daughter anounced that she and this girl were no longer friends, due to the fact that she was going around telling people stories about her, and saying nasty things that weren't true. She is known for this type of behavior in our church community, as well as her school, as I have now discovered from talking to other parents here. I told my daughter that this was for the best, and that I had hoped that she would have ended her friendship sooner than now. It is also something that we have fought about this last year. This was just the tip of the iceburg as it turns out. The next thing that happens is that on the second week of July, while my daughter is out washing the car(which I know now was a set up and she had it all planned out), even though I am severly sick with broncitis, I went out to check on her progress and found this man's motorcycle parked on the hidden side of our driveway, and as I came around the side of the house, he comes from around the corner of my house with my 16 year old daughter. She is in her bathing suit, and he is soaking wet from his shoulders to his crotch. He goes to leave and I step in front of him and stop him from leaving and order him into the house where my husband is sitting at the PC. I "direct" him into the room and tell my husband what I have just found. (My husband is a federal police officer, and we are both gun owners, matching glochs and various rifles, and my husband collects both guns and swords) My husband proceeds to read him the riot act and let him know what will be the concequences if he returns here or has any further contact with our daughter. He agrees to what he is told. Or so we thought. Of course our daughter thinks we are stupid and she is defiant and mad. The next few weeks she is secretly sneeking out of the house at night, and early in the morning, to meet with him, in the park at the bottom of our street, and possibly at the home of the former friends father. We may never know the full story there. I catch her not once, but 3 times at this park with him, each time warning him to stay away. In the meantime he has done his "homework" and has found out that he can legally have sex with our daughter at 16 in the state of WA without our consent, and he has arrogantly told our daughter this who of course relays the message for him to us. Essentially thumbing his nose at us, let alone my husband the cop! That was all during the month of July! Thankfully we left on vacation the first week of August. Stupidly I thought that we would have her away from him and we would have no problems on the trip, and maybe it would go away for when we came home. She seemed herself again anyway. That as it turns out was just what she wanted me to think. As it turns out, she was using the cell phone that my ex gave our son, to call him, text him, and he was calling her every single night at 3 am. That is until I confiscated the phone because the kids were fighting over it. The very day we got home she snuck(is that a word?) out of the house to meet him, before anyone else was up, and before her boss came to pick her up for work. The third day we were home I got up early for some reason, at 7:15am, and realized that the house was quiet, and she was not getting ready for work. I went down to wake her, so she would be ready for work on time, and realized that she was missing. I searched the entire house, including the yard. She was gone. None of her clothes were missin, not even her purse. This meant she was in her pajamas. I woke my husband, and called her boss, thinking that maybe she had picked her up early. When she told me she had not, and wasn't coming until 8am, I told her that my other daughter would babysit for her, while I dealt with her sister. She agreed. ( Later I also found out that this man was visiting my daughter at the house where she was babysitting nearly everyday, and was even showing up at the pool, and the mall when she sent my daughter there with her children. I wish I had known this much sooner.) Just as my husband was leaving the area of the park, and the "boss" was pulling up into my driveway, I spot my daughter running as fast as she can from the park, towards us. I motion for her to get into the house as her sister gets into the car. Her boss, my friend, wishes me luck and pulls away. When I get into the house, I am met with a load of lies about meeting her friend Scotty(who I call "one of the girls") to give him his stuff. It's all a lie, and not a smart one at that, since he has only been to our house once, and that was about 5 minutes before we all got into the car and left to go to a halloween party, last fall. I tell her that this is the last straw and that she is banned from doing anything, and it's up to her boss wether she still has a job or not. No phone, no laptop, or other type of PC, and no going anywhere. It's almost impossible for me to hear if she is up at night, since I have medication for restless leg syndrome that makes me sleep, so of course she still is sneeking up, getting on her sisters PC and making arrangements to meet, via MSN messenger, and then sneeking out in the night to do so. What is wrong with this guy?????????? Also is the friend who lives down the street by the park, that is a girl that she has befriended. She is a clincially depressed, self-mutilator, loose with the boys, mess. I don't like my daughter hanging out with her either, and she is helping with these little meetings. She also has in the past, been a guest in our home until my other daughter heard her saying some really nasty things about me to her sister. Disrespectful on top of everything else. And this is who my daughter calls a friend....?? Anyway, once the last sneeking out took place, I called my ex, and he flew out to meet with me, her, and my husband. We all sat in a room and we talked to her for about 3 hours, and she told us everything we wanted to hear. Part of me knew that's what she was doing, but we were hoping that some of what we said would make some sense to her. Obviously we were wrong to think that at all. Things got worse over the next week, now 2 weeks ago. She was still determined to defy us and meet with him, and he would not let her be either. She told me that not only was she sneeking out to meet him, but he was sneeking over and sleeping under our deck!!! With my husband right above him in the familyroom!! We decided that we had to do something legally about this. I made a trip to the county courthouse that week(now two weeks ago), and filed for a protection order against him) Once I told the clerks what was going on, they hooked me up with court records too and gave me copies of his criminal record. This was an eye opener!!!!! Listen to this!! He was arrested for a felony possession with intent to distribute. And he beat up his former girlfriend! He was given a court appointed attorney, who plead the charges down and got him a reduced charge with a sentence of 30 days house arrest with and electronic ankle braclet, and 12 months probation after that. His sentencing period was, and get this: June 8, 2007 to July 8, 2007!! My daughter admitted that he had first slept under our deck on July 1st!!!! This is a violation of his sentencing agreement. We contacted the sheriff's and they gave us his PO's name and number and told us to contact him immediately. We did. He was very interested in this information and told us to also call the CCO(County Corrections Offices) and talk to the man in charge of this case. He would also want to know about this. After this, I went in front of a judge, that same day, and she granted it, the minute she saw what it was about. We were given a court date for this coming monday for the guy to come in and respond to the paperwork. He was suppose to be served this last Tuesday. We will see what takes place. In the meantime, once we told our daughter what was happening, she started packing and threatening to run off to this guy, or some other place, I don't know exactly what she was doing there... She was angry and said that she didn't care about me or anyone else in our house, and that I was just a "stupid old, grey-haired lady" that didn't know sh***! That hurt me most of all... I told her that was it, I wasn't putting up with this any longer, and she was on her way to her father's in Idaho for a while. We have other children in the house, who were present for this little tyraid of hers, and they didn't deserve this, nor would we let her subject them to the danger that she had brought into our household, any longer. I sent her up to her room and out of my site for the time being. I could hear her stomping around and banging things from all the way down in the kitchen....little brat. I got on the phone and called my ex and told him to come and get her. He almost dropped the phone. He knows that's the last thing I would ever do for any of our kids. I don't want them there. His mother and father are manipulative and contentious, and strive always to make me look like a horrible mother. But I can't have her here, dragging the rest of the family down, putting herself and us in danger, and setting such a bad example for her little sister. And the stress she has put me under has made me physically ill for weeks. Enough is enough. He was especially taken aback that I was in tears when I called. I don't cry normally. The "tough country girl" in me I guess. But my heart is broken and I can't help her anymore. Even as I was making arrangements to put her on a plane, she was saying she was "outta here", so I told my ex, that I had to hang up for a bit and call the police, and I would call him back. The sheriff deputy arrived and really read her the riot act. She was crying the whole time, but not because she had seen the error of her ways. She was mad, and she finally realized, after he told her so, that she had no rights. She is the child, and we are the parents. She has to do what we say. At least for the next 2 years anyway. Then she is free to screw up her life is that is what she chooses. Last Sunday we put her on a plane to Idaho. She went, with a fake smile on her face, and telling me she's not mad at me. I've called 4 times this week to see how things are going. She's staying with her grandmother 3 days a week, cuz dad is a trucker, and his wife is a school teacher and does extra work for the district that keeps her out till 2am most nights. I talked to the grandmother on tuesday and she basically told me that she is going to try and get her involved in so many things there that she won't want to come back here. This is exactly why I don't like to have my kids there!!!!! GRRR!!!! I have yet to speak to my ex about this. She gave her permission to go to a school dance tonight....another thing that I don't want her doing. She is not there to go to parties! School is something that she is doing there because she has to, for grades, not for fun. And she is to be "home" after that. She's there to face her choices, and make some changes, not to have "party time". I thought her father and I were clear on that subject. Apparently we have to talk about this again. Anyways, as you can see, my plate has been pretty full lately, and I am sure that it is not over yet. I can't believe that it's happening, and I wish it would just go away!!! I am praying that by the time October 13 rolls around(the date she says she wants to be home by), she will have pulled her head out, and she will realize how stupid she has been. I also expect to hear two little words from her, "I'm sorry"......but I'm not holding my breath for that one. Sorry this was soooo long.....thanks for letting me rant alittle.

I've been hiding something...

2007-11-02T02:35:00.000-07:00

I couldn't feel worse right now if I tried. There is no way I can hide the feelings I've been having the last few months, any longer.

I feel like the worst wife and even worse mother. I've been told as much by the very people that I am both to. Tonight, after having another pointless fight with my spouse, twice, and then having my daughter tell me what a worthless mother I am, and what a lazy person I am, I have finally had enough.

I don't know what else to do anymore. Everything I do seems pointless and meaningless anymore. I took my sleeping pills so I can sleep and not have to think about anything anymore. What else can I do?

I too tired to fight everyone anymore.

And on it goes...

2007-11-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a couple of days since I last wrote here. We have had a sad week this week and it's not over yet.

Our daughter had a horrible miscarriage on Tuesday morning. I've been through a few of them myself, but nothing like this. And it's totally different when you are watching your child go through it.

The doctor said that she had been carrying twins, based on the size of her uterus, and the size of the mass that I collected. I figured as much when I saw it. Now, 2 days later, we are headed to the hospital once again, this time for a D&C. She is running a fever, and has started bleeding again, and having quite a bit of pain.

They should have done that the other day! I am glad however that they didn't do it, because the facility we were in was one of the dirtiest and worst organized hospitals I've ever been in. Oh my goodness....can't even discribe how bad it was. Let's just say I now understand why I've heard Tacoma referred to as the "ARMPIT" of the sound......

Well, I've got to run for now, I'll update this further later on tonight.

Another day, another plan...

2007-10-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a day spent on the phone......aren't some days just like that???

Part of the phone time was with the doctors office. My 11 year old has had a very strange rash the last few days that seems to be spreading from her leg to her buttocks and chest. At first I thought it was ringworm, but it's not symmetrical enough, and no scaliness. It's more splatter shaped and has little red pinpoints in it. Each spot is the size of a dime, or a bit smaller, and very itchy.

The doctor finally got back with me around 11am and told me that she thinks it might be hives. She ordered Benedryl and for me to watch for more spots, size changes, or swelling of the face. Don't know about that last thing, sort of scares me, but I am following her directions and in 24 hours we will see if there is any change. At least she doesn't think she's contagious. I hope she's right. All we need right now is some other catastrophe.

As far as the other catastrophe that's been going on in our house, well, our girl is going to be very unhappy in the morning. The deputy that came the on the call morning before last called also this morning to say he was coming at around 11am to interview our girl. He wants me present. I told him that she is not likely to say anything useful or cooperate with me there. He said he wanted to try and if he couldn't get what he wants that way, he'll take her outside to talk to her. Wouldn't hurt to put a little fear into her, but I don't think he will. Or will he??? hmm......

I also spent the morning talking to the social worker/counselor that has been talking to my girl. She wants me to have some counselling as well and has arranged it with the other gal there that I have already been talking with. This will be good. We talked today about the events of the week and what has been happening since we last spoke on Monday. She is just shocked at the brazen way this guy just thumbs his nose at the law and at us. She couldn't believe that he was stupid enough to come back again. I told her I think it's more of a "I'm going to show the parents that I am in control here.." situation, rather than "I love her that much" kind of thing. After all, if he really cared about her, he wouldn't put himself in jeopardy of being sent to jail.

And I told my daughter that if she truly loved him, she would not have gone with him and put him in that position either. Playing devils advocate here, but hey, I really have run out of things to try and get her to show some recognition of wrong doing here.

The counselor and I both agree that this guy is a criminal and needs to be behind bars and away from putting another family in this position, and from furthering the problems with ours he has already caused. My daughter may be able to come to terms with this if he was taken out of the picture. We are both praying that he will be caught and sent to jail soon. No thanks to the King county sheriff's department and their careless ways.

The counselor was telling me that she knows of a lady that had a restraining order out on her ex-boyfriend, and he was physically assaulting her every chance he got, and the sheriff department did nothing to protect her. They consider restraining orders pretty low on their priority list, and unless there is an actual assault in progress, or a weapon involved or something like that, they act like they just don't care. What really has to happen? Does he have to actually disappear with her and not come back, harm her in some way for them to get the message that this is a serious matter??? And what about the unborn child involved? Do they care about that??? Apparently they don't or he would already have gone to jail when I called them the other day.

Anyway......

Not everything today was about that. I got to shred my daughter's prom dress and cover it is fake dirt and blood. For her Halloween costume, she is going as a dead prom queen, been neck slashed. Looks very cool!! I taxied around my 15 year old to help build the sets for their play, and back again. Took some very pretty pictures of Mount Rainer from the parking lot of the school. How lucky are we to have such a lovely area to live in? Get rid of the perverts and it's just about perfect........;)

The really bad part of the day is that I put my back out again. Not really bad this time, but it still hurts. Stress does that to me more than anything. Guess I should count myself lucky that I haven't done that long before now with all that's been going on here huh?

My son is having a friend over for the night. He really deserves that diversion right now. Hey, some things need to remain normal around here right?

We picked up my step-son from the train, and he went directly to a friends house instead of coming here. I wasn't to happy about that, but I really didn't get a say in it either. What a double standard that is. I am expected to include my husband in every single decision that goes on in our home with my children, but he doesn't do that with his. And if I question it, I am doing something wrong. My husband is becoming increasingly more difficult to deal with over the last few weeks. He has been short and rude with me, and over demanding with the kids. He barks at everyone just to bark, and even when there is a reason, he over does it and sometimes on the wrong people. My 15 year old got bawled out all the way home last night from rehearsal for no real reason other than he was feeling out of sorts and wanted to complain. Granted there was a valid subject about her dirty room, but he does it in a very venomous and hateful way. And he goes on and on and makes them feel like crap.(and usually he jumps in when I'm already talking to them about it, and takes over. Something I also don't need him to do for heaven sake!) I don't find this necessary or helpful. Especially when he hasn't even said hello to her after not seeing her for over 15 hours. Also he complains about me to them, and says somethings that are designed just to be a complaint with no real basis. And they don't want to hear this, or is it even necessary. I don't do that to him with his kids, or mine. This is something we have had many talks about before. Recently in fact.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, but there are some obvious things that he has problems with that really have to be addressed and changed if he expects to have any kind of meaningful relationship with these kids. I include his own boy in this. I am not a perfect parent, but I do know that barking down a kids neck to make a point, or get a job done, is not going to get you what you want. And acting like you are in a house full of criminals, and barking out orders the minute you walk into a room is not going to endear you to anyone. It will get you just the opposite of that. People tend to want to back away from and not be around someone like that. And it certainly will not get a child to do what you want or make them feel inclined to want to have a close relationship with you.

Now I have made it clear to my children that I am not their friend, but I don't think it's fair to act like I'm their enemy either. My dear husband refuses to listen to me. When I try and tell him these things he takes it as an attack on his character and he retaliates by trying to turn the conversation around to a "things I hate about you" session. I realized early on in our relationship that he has a problem, what I call a "I'm going hurt you before you can hurt me" mentality when it comes to personal criticism's. I think it's one of the things that has hurt him most in his life and past relationships. While he can be very compassionate, and loving, and even thoughtful in alot of ways, this one thing keeps him from really realizing his full potential. He really has to stop being so negative. His "The sky if falling" attitude about everything gets really tiring.

I wonder if he knows how close he is to having everything he has dreamed of in his head, if only he would let his heart be open to this one area that he knows full well is a problem, and make the changes that he knows he needs to make. When he didn't want to hear me the other day, he started spouting off about how I never think of the stress that he is having, and how bad he has been feeling about things in our home, and with our finances. He was saying that he was so depressed that he had even considered taking himself out. This is such a selfish and useless thing to say. Did he think that was going to be helpful to me in some way?? Did he think that was going to solve anything for any of us?

And then there was the other night when he called me from work and was upset, because he had worked himself into a lather once again about things. He was saying how the only way he could see to make things work financially was to leave me and the kids and move into a little apartment and have us go on welfare and funnel money to us from outside. WHAT????!!!! Now I ask you, who does this??? How the heck did he even think of something that dumb?? And just how did he think that was going to help our family??? And how did he think he was going to have a marriage that way? I told him what I thought of that thought process and got him to settle down and move away from that subject once again. So you see, my children are not my only source of stress here right now.

In some ways, he is much like his boy, not unwilling to see the problem, but too lazy to make the changes, because it's hard. Heaven knows I've made alot of changes in my life, I don't like hearing that I have flaws either, but I do, and I try to change them if I can. I feel more like a failure now in my life than I ever have. As a parent, as a wife, and as a person. Boy, is that feeling sorry for myself or what???

I feel like my husband needs to be doing more to support me right now, and not creating more problems with the other children. What we need is more unity, not more chaos. I know that there are things not done in our house, and that he is irritated by that. But he also refuses to see that he is a contributor to the clutter and even though he is the bread winner, he could do more to help out around here. It seems to easy for him to think that he can point out what's not getting done, or what's not clean(he cooks sometimes, which I appreciate, but then leaves the mess for me), instead of realizing that he should just chip in and help make it better instead of being always complaining and expecting someone else to do it. Whatever IT is. I am only one person, and WE are suppose to be a team. I wonder if I am the only wife that thinks this way?

Other things bug me too, but I try not to let them control how I live my life with my spouse, because they are not important in the grand scheme of things. There is a bigger picture here that is so much more important that being petty and picky. I feel drained emotionally and physically right now.

I need my spouse to be on my side, and by my side more than ever, and not making me feel worse than I already do. I also need him to be more loving and act like a father instead of the police and the drill Sargent in our home with the children. I don't want him telling them they can't be scared of spiders, or the dark, or have any of the other normal childhood fears and feelings that they do, even if they are 11 and 15. They will be adults and out in the cold cruel world soon enough, let them be children, and feel like mom and dad can "make it better" for a little while longer while we still can. It won't last forever..........as is evident in our 16 year old.

What I would give for just one boring day.....

2007-10-26T01:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been another couple of days since I last blogged here. We got through Monday and Tuesday pretty smoothly except for a few miscellanous activities for several children, including rehearsal for a play, and water polo. I was working on getting some birthday cakes ready for 3 of my good friends who all had birthdays this week, starting on Tuesday and the final one was just yesterday. I love these gals, so I do something special just from me, of the "sweet tooth" variety! LOL Death by Chocolate cake covered in dark chocolate ganache, covered on the sides with crushed macadamia nuts, and drizzled with carmel icing. Each one monogramed with their initials. I started them on Monday night. Got the cakes baked anyways. Tuesday I was up till very late(around 3am) working on ganache, icings, and cake plates. I retired upstairs only to be met by one of my twins, my 15 year old girl, who was having trouble sleeping. I had her come and climb in bed with her old mom and we chatted and watched a Judy Garland special on PBS.

I was looking for something in the kids bathroom, I forget what now, and I noticed how filthy it was. I have been after them for a week to clean it up! I decided that I was going to send them a message that they couldn't ignore. I went and got my ugliest lipstick that I never wear and wrote in all caps across the mirror: "CLEAN THIS ROOM!!!" That was about 3:45am. I went back to my room and left the door open.

At 4am or so my 16 year old went to the bathroom. On her way back to bed she said to me, "Nice note mom..." I chuckled and she closed her door. The 15 year old was wondering about that one. She thought she was talking in her sleep! LOL We finished the show and turned off the TV and then chatted for about 15 minutes before we both fell asleep finally. That was abour 4:30a.m.

At 5:15a.m. my son wakes me to tell me that my 16 year old is missing. She's not in the house, he has already made a sweep and knows she is gone from the house. I get up and look myself, and see he is correct. We then notice that the glass doors on the deck are unlocked and the light is now off. The switch is in the on position though. I already have 911 on the phone at this point. I have called her in as a runaway and I tell them I know who she is with. I give a detailed discription of the guy, and I tell them that we have a restraining order against him. I also tell them that this is not the first violation of it that he has done. They tell me that they have an officer in route. I hang up and call my huband at work. He tells me to get out the paperwork and have it ready. The dispatcher calls me back and asks for more details on the pervert. I hang up and walk out the front door to see my daughter hand in hand, walking towards the house, about 100 feet away. He sees me and starts running down the street away from her. I order her into the house and then shout to him that I have already called the police. He then stops running and puts his hands in his pockets and just walks normally down the street. I go in and grab the phone and call 911 again and tell them that if they hurry, they can catch him as he is still on the street, and in my line of vision. What a waste of breath that was.

The dispatcher made up her own interpretation of that and told the officers that he had fled and not to worry about responding right away. Yet another screw up by King county sheriff's department!! Losers!! After I, AGAIN, chewed out my daughter and asked her another question that she didn't answer, my other 3 children felt they just couldn't let this go without having their turn too. About time she heard from someone besides the parents here. She acted as though she was the victim of all our ridicule and that we had no right to be upset with her. She refused to look at them, or answer their questions. She was snotty and rude and showed no remorse whatsoever. After about 20 minutes of this, I told them that it was getting them nowhere, answer wise, so they needed to get ready for school. I included her in this as well. Everyone left for school same as normal. I went out after they left to examine the deck.

I found that this guy had unscrewed the lightbulb, and over turned one of my big flower pots to stand on. He then stepped on my porch rocking chair, leaving on it the dog crap that he had stepped in on the lawn, and then the BBQ grill lid, leaving a scratch mark about 6 inches long. He had to have used either the mop handle or the toilet plunger that my kids left out there to then knock on the window to my daughters room. Pretty complicated and well thought out plan I think. He must have worked out this new plan since he was on the property since the 12th when I caught him myself there at 2am. Since then we have left the light on because my other children have not felt safe.

He's not a rocket scientist, he's obessed, and that has made him very resourceful. Much to our anger and annoyance. My daughter is so caught up in the "romantisim" of it that she can't see that he is just a loser who doesn't really care about her, no matter what he tells her. He is doing it now to prove a point. That he can do it no matter what we or the law thinks. It's a control thing for him now, not for love.

Tonight my son and I did a little booby trapping. We cable locked the side gate on the big yard side of the house, tied the other gate, the one on the dark side of the house, and we trip wired(parachute rope) the stairs to the deck. We also removed all the furniture, and everything else from the deck and then thoroughly cleaned it. Soo.......let's see him do it now! He's going to have to be really stupid to do anything now. I will be watching though, and my gun will be close by just in case. I sort of hope he does try to get in again, just so I can see him fall on his stupid face.

Ok......well I am logging for the night. Gotta shut down this computer so he can't see any light from the house if he comes........how sad I have to resort to this isn't it? Another night with little sleep. I'm soo tired of this..........

I can't even remember what real sleep feels like...

2007-10-22T01:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's been a few days, a week really, since I last posted. A quick update...We put a restraining order into effect(temporary until morning when we go to court to make it permanent) on Monday night. It didn't even take him one day to violate it! I'll get into more detail about what's going on when I get back from court tomorrow. Let's just say for now that my daughter had alot of cry time tonight when we busted her for being with this guy yesterday when she was suppose to be with friends at the homecoming dance. She really thought she had gotten away with it too. Sad, silly, twisted up little girl. It's killing me to watch her do this to herself. It's a nightmare of her own making and she has dragged us all along for the ride.

My other children are getting pretty sick of this by now, and are complaining about her drama taking over the family, and occupying all of our time. I don't blame them a bit. It's just hard not to make her the focus when she keeps us up at night, and we have to monitor her movements 24/7. I cried all day today. Mostly from lack of sleep, but in part because of stress.

Some of the time she is happy. Ironically it seems to be when she is spending time with us, despite what she posts on her myspace, and e-mails to friends, and just plain spouts off about in public, about us. Of course we are the cause of her making her terrible choices, and we have made her life a hell, and every other thing she can come up with to help her justify her poor behavior and choices. As I pointed out to her, this the behavior of a guilty person.

We had a bit of a "knock down, drag out" so to speak tonight. She had her laptop open and a chat window up, with someone that she is not suppose to be talking to, and the guy who we have the restraining order against. When I told her to give it to my husband(he was closest to her physically at the time) she automatically went to shut it down, and turned her body away from him, and wouldn't give it. When he went to take it from her, she backed into a full clothes hamper and basket behind her and they both started to go down. She automatically thought he was attacking her, and she started hitting him. Once he regained his balance, and realized what was going on, with me shouting at her to stop, he was able to haul her to her feet, and take the laptop. She was cussing at him and telling him not to touch her ever again, not realizing that she in fact caused the whole thing. Then of course she tried playing the, holding her tummy and acting like she was hurt thing. *mom rolls eyes here* And of course there was the fake hyperventilating thing too. That didn't last long once I told her to just settle down and take a deep breath.

We spent the next hour or so going over her day of lies the day before. What she didn't realize is that we had visited the home of the friend that she had told us she was with the entire day, that morning, and we also visited the mom of the girl she isn't suppose to be talking to anymore. We had a jacket she came home in last night, which of course belongs to the father of the baby, and is proof that he has indeed violated the restraining order. And her admittion of being with him and also visiting his family that day. I guess that was to see if they could get support for their inappropriate relationship from that side. I don't know what was really said there, but I don't take it with any credibility at all. His family kicked him out at 17 and are mainly a bunch of druggies and losers.

What I can't understand in all this is why my very smart, and quite beautiful girl would have gotten herself into this situation in the first place.

Right now I am truly as tired as I have ever been in my life. This entry will have to be short this time because I have got to get some sleep, whatever that means. We have an early day for court and a lot of errands to do before the school bus starts dropping kids off to home. Feel free to tell me your thoughts............more later. Thanks for listening....

How the heck did I get here??

2007-10-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

Do you sometimes ever feel like you are living someone else's life??? Right now that's how I feel. I mean it can't possibly be mine, this isn't how I planned it. Let me tell you what I mean.

I am the wife of 3 years to my second husband, and a mom to my four kids, and two step kids. Now, each one of these "cast" members have their own stories to be told, but for now I am focusing on the one child who has thrown our family into a great turmoil, and herself into about the worst possible dissaster she could at this point in her life.

My dear daughter is just 16. She turned 16 in June. From that very day it seems that she had the notion that this makes her a free agent, able to come and go as she pleases, make her own schedule; which she thinks makes it manditory that us parents become her servants and drive her to, or simply nod yes to everything she thinks she's entitled to do. *Mom rolls eyes here*

To add to that she decided to that it would be an ok thing to involve herself with someone that clearly we would not only dissaprove of but that we are now seeking criminal charges against. And why you might be wondering? He has gotten my little girl pregnant. Yes, I said pregnant.

We just found out last Tuesday, and she's already about 2 months along. Perhaps a little more. We won't really know until she sees her doctor this next two weeks.