December 2007...more

I suggest you go back and read the entire thread my dear, and then see if you have the same "opinion". And as for your mom and grandmother, I think if they were in my shoes, they would do exactly what I have done. Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support(those of you that get it...). I am not to the point yet where I can get through a day without crying about my daughter when I think of things. Perhaps I never will, but I know I've done the right thing with her. And no one will ever convince me otherwise. I have to say this as a parent, and as a former child: No parent can ever be too pushy when it comes to the safety and well being of their child. There are parents that are knit picky, that's different. I am not one of those parents. All I ask of my children in this life, is for them to be kind, respectful, and responsible people, who will be positive and productive and good examples to those around them. That is not too much to ask or expect. And if you think otherwise, then you my friend, need some help. Much of what is happening with our children today, in general, is due to the wrong thinking that we have to respect our childs "freedoms" and let them "find their own way" in the world. I had a court evaluator say that to my face, along with my husband a couple of years ago when my DH's son wanted to come and live with us. His mom is a parent who has the same thinking and as a result my step-son has been flunking in school since 4th grade. He wanted to come and live with his dad because he wanted to do better, and because the schools here are so much better and offer so much more. The guy couldn't have been more wrong in his thinking. It was all his mother needed to hear. She felt validated and has done everything she could to burn that idea in her son's brain too. It finally worked for her, that and the promise to him that he could do anything he pleases at her house and she was ok with it. She drove the point home when she purposely had the friends that we dissaprove of at her house with our son when we went to take some of his things to him. (The biggest druggies in the school there and over all bad kids.) He is there now "Finding his own way in life" and still flunking out. So much so that last week(like we needed more bad news in our house) his mother called to tell us that he has been kicked out of the mainstream high school he was in for failing all his classes and behavior problems(they don't just kick you for bad grades you know). He was starting at an alternative school, which we are all too familiar with as we lived 2 blocks from it when we still lived in that town, and it was pretty dang scary!!! All the worst kids are there. Druggies, gangbangers, and over all bad kids. And this is where our son, who is not bad just stupid, is going to be???!!! This is on his mother's head, but it still hurts our hearts. As for my step-son, he's known all along what he was doing, and lied about it....big surprise, he doesn't want to face his problem either. Difference is that in our home there is accountablity and in his mother's there's not. She gives him the same treatment my ex gives, the ole "Your great just the way you are. Let's just ignore what you've done and it'll be like it never happened." Parents with this kind of attitude only instill ignorance and failure in their children, and as a result, their children end up thinking that they can live their lives being dishonest, and never having to be responsible for their choices. This is incorrect and distructive thinking. And I choose not to be that kind of parent to my children. My saying is this(and you can ask my kids, they will back me up on this): "I am not your friend. I am your parent. I don't care if you like me, in fact I expect that you won't at times. That's ok. I am your parent, not your friend." To those of you who think that pushy parents cause kids to behave badly, I say: Have a child and you will change your thinking. To those of you who found something familiar in my story, I say, thanks for recognizing that you were one of these and are sorry for how you behaved, Now go tell your mother.....she will be happy to hear it. You deserve a great big hug for doing that. Recognition is the first step in change. Thanks again for all the words of support and validation, I really needed to hear that. I can't tell you how this has drained me, physically, and mentally, what I can tell you is that I have peace in my heart, along with a very large hole. That I am afraid can only be mended by my daughter. I hope one day it will.