More of the same...

First of all my daughter is only with her dad for a few weeks, not permenantly. Also, I have primary custody of my children. So of course I have say so in what she does there. Her father agrees, and we are working together to do what is best for her at this time. There is a long family history when I was married to him, of his parents trying to control and manipulate things in our household. It's a big part of the reason we got divorced. That and the fact that his father physically assulted me in front of two of my children, and my husband(the ex) told me that I deserved it. That was the end of our marriage. My DD was 8 years old at that time. Grandmother called me every name in the book, and tried to help my ex have me claimed unfit in the courts during our divorce. That was 8 years and an entire lifetime ago. She continues to manipulate my children everytime they go there. Subtley, but surely. They are now old enough to know what she is doing, and don't fall for it. Good for me. Saves me alot more headaches that I am more than happy to be rid of. It is also why she and I don't talk much now either. Secondly, it is a sort of "cooling off" period for us, mainly for the family here to cool off, she could care less about our feelings right now. Her father and I agree that her being down there is for one purpose only. For her to have a realization of what she has been doing, and to change her ways. We are deeply religious, and he has made sure right off the bat, that she is involved with as many church related functions as are available. Being LDS, this means release time Seminary, Young Womens on weekdays, and regular church on sundays. We lived there for 10 years before our divorce, and there are a great many people that she remembers, and families that I admire, that she has become reaquainted with this week. I am exstatic about that. The lesson in this becomes thus: Compare the difference between the kids that you are hangning out with there that are members of the church, and non-members that are making good choices, and the ones that you have chosen to call "friend" here. If you can see the difference, and recognize how much better you feel, when you surround yourself with the right friends, ones that make you feel good about being you, and make you want to be a better person; then you are on the track to change in your life. This one lesson that we as parents have challenged her to this week. I wait to see what she comes up with. I prescribe to the wise adege(spelling) that says: " I am your parent, not your friend. You may not like me. In fact I expect that you won't some of the time. That's ok, so long as you know that I am the parent and not your friend. " I think that alot of parents today have forgotten that wise advise. My step son is a prime example of that. His mom has told us more than once, that she wants to be her childrens friend because she doesn't want them to not like her. She is willing to let them do whateve makes them happy, so they will "like" her. Even if it's not safe or good for them. It's that kind of parenting that breeds failure in our children, and chaos in our society. Boundriless(is that a word?), self important, individuals that think they are entitled to things just for being born. You have only to take a walk around your local highschool to see what I am talking about. It makes me so mad. As far as my being to "in your face" with my DD. Well, if you ask my husband, I'm not "in your face" enough. I have given this girl dozens of "chances", and oppertunity to make better choices. I've let her "go with friends" to the mall, and each time she has done something to break the rules, and defy my wishes. All the while telling her friends how terrible she has it at home and how much she hates her family. I've taken her to the movies(her and I and sometimes with the other girls), and I've let her have sleepovers with friends here. Even with ones I don't like much. This with the notion of showing that I was trying to give her the chance to prove she is trustworthy again. Heck, the last two weeks before I sent her to Idaho, I was driving her butt around picking up and then dropping off, job applications, thinking that she was really going to start being responsible and do better. I found out that she was only doing this because she was looking to be emancipated and had done alittle "homework" and found that one of the stipulations are that she be employed and able to provide for herself and pay her bills. Once she announced that, I quit. And she was thinking that she would be moving in with this guy on top of that! She's had everything she asked for this summer and then some, when she was good, and making reasonable choices. When she hasn't, she has been grounded. No different that anyone else in the household. I have been a parent over all. Reasoning with a willfull child who has been manipulated by someone to think that her family hates her and don't understand her...is nearly impossible to do. Trust me we have tried it all. What is happening now, was the only choice left. As much for her as for the rest of us. I think she will come around in time, hopefully she will come back with a better appreciation for what she really does have here. I know that some of the people that she has befriended that really do have bad situations at home, or who have created one themselves, would jump at the chance to have the home and family that she has. I feel like I am back on the ranch with the herdof hard-headed cows that always seem to have to poke their greedy heads into the yard to get at the grass when they have a whole beautiful pasture to feed on. "The grass is always greener on the other side"....so pointless and annoying. I am praying, and so is my ex, that she comes around sooner rather than later, and we think she will. It won't be easy, but then nothing worthwhile or good for us is usually. Things weren't designed that way for a reason. It's the most difficult thing in the world to sit back and watch your child self-distruct. And we've had the horror of watching it twice this year now. Hopefully we have caught things soon enough to make a change for the better. We were up till 3am this morning preparing for court, and got up at 6:15am. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now nearly 7pm. I am exhausted, sick from lack of sleep, and lack of appetite. We found when we got to court that the papers had not been served because the sheriffs office had their collective heads up their butts this last week. The judge was not happy, and issued me a "re-issue order" to be served. She also granted me a fee waiver for service. We took it up to the sheriffs office and I didn't leave this time until I knew they had all the right information for service. NO EXCUSES. He should get served either today or tomorrow. We go back to court October 1st. I am soooo ready to do that. I'll be glad to get all this over with. Perhaps I will finally be able to rest then. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers, and helpful advise. All is much appreciated and very much needed right now. I'll keep you posted of our progress. Well, time to go and feed the family that are still here. BBQ awaits!!
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